“Kids, it’s dessert time!” says the Alaskan father living in the middle of nowhere. For all those vegetarians out there, this next one might make you queasy. Akutuq literally means “to stir.” The dish involves whipping animal blubber and mixing it with berries. It is also commonly referred to as Eskimo ice cream. And there you have it. No spices, no cooking involved, all raw baby.
I can understand the people who a century ago were preparing large batches of this dish to stash it away in the family’s permafrost cellar, but, my friends, those days are long gone. I know that food prices in Alaska are more expensive, but still… there are better options these days like baked Alaska or wild berry cobbler.
Alabama -- Ambrosia Salad
If a time machine is ever invented I think that the most pressing initiative would be to locate the guy who decided that it would be a brilliant idea to combine pieces of disemboweled fruit with an amalgamation of marshmallows, pecans, and Cool Whip. Wow, was he sorely mistaken?
If we could travel back in time and find this dude, we would do anything possible to stop him from committing this awful crime against humanity. What's worse yet is that Alabamans love enjoying this indelicacy topped with some maraschino cherries, which if you weren't aware, are essentially cherry candies injected with radium after which any sign of actual flavor is extracted from it.
Arizona -- Sonoran Dog
This hot dog, which originated sometime in the 1960s in the neighboring state of Sonora, Mexico actually succeeds in being larger than the Chicago dog. It's wrapped in bacon (you can expect almost 99.9% of the time that the bacon will be undercooked) and then topped with pinto beans, jalapenos, tomatoes, onions, ketchup, mayo, and mustard. Try and tell Chicagoans that they have some competition from Arizonans and they probably won't be too happy to hear.
And for the most disturbing part of it all, this dog helped score Tucson a UNESCO title of a "Creative City of Gastronomy" and become the first city in the U.S. to be awarded the title. We only hope that other specialty dishes in Tucson were taken into consideration when awarding this title.
Arkansas -- Fried Fruit Pies
Really, Arkansas? That's all you've got for us? That's one big disappointment. All you managed to do is take a pie and deep fry it? Do you even have any college graduates there? Way to go. Whoever thought that it would be a smart idea to take a healthy item like an apple and add 500 calories to it by chucking it in a deep fryer, clearly had no appreciation for their organs and life span.
The fried pie can usually be found next to the cash register at convenience stores which only conveys one thing: this pie is anything but good for you. While I appreciate the times when country children and blue-collared workers got through their days with these things, I also am highly appreciative of science, research, and having a basic sense of nutrition.
California -- In-N-Out Burger
If you've ever been to In-N-Out and had less than a good experience (does anybody actually have a good one?) California natives will chalk this up to telling you that "you ordered wrong. First of all, the only "correct" way to order according to locals is to request something that isn't listed on the menu. That place is nothing short of nasty. And the burger is apparently the best part of the meal. Even Californians are quick to confess that their fries are just above toxicity.
The first mistake that they made was choosing to open the place in Los Angeles in 1948. And since then, many many more mistakes have followed.